Stupid Advice for Stupid People

Ask Dr. Bullfeathers!!!!

Dr. Bullfeathers is an infamous doctor of psychiatry, psychology, sociology, and possesses a welding certificate from Roy’s School of Welding and Origami. He’s here to answer your questions on life, relationships, and what to do with small metal deposits left in your pants after running a MiG welder for 37 consecutive hours.

Interviewer: Our first question is from a Ms. Sneedpuss of Bad Axe, Michigan: My boyfriend can’t keep his hands off me all the time, even in public, what do I do?

DrBF: Marry him.

I: Next is a question from “Earl” in Talladega, Alabama: My cousin, Cooter, says you can’t use an arc welder to mend a fender on a ’72 Chevy ElCamino. Is that true?

DrBF: The next time you catch him napping, take the ground clamp, attach it to his zipper, set your Lincoln arc welder for 100 volts, get a 5/32” rod (assuming an 80% cycle), and weld his zipper shut! That doesn’t necessarily answer your question, but it’ll keep Cooter from making other preposterous statements.

I: Next is from an anonymous writer: Why are you so mean?

DrBF: Where’s that ground clamp?

I: A Mrs. Pocknoodle from Hastings, Nebraska, writes: My husband doesn’t pay attention to me anymore. I greet him at the door wearing sheer, lacy things, I cook his favorite food, I’m perplexed, what can I do to get his attention?

DrBF: Go out and get a Marquette M12157 50-amp Plasma Cutter, but first make sure you have a 220-volt outlet nearby. Take the ground clamp and attach it to one side of his belt buckle, then set the sucker for 50 amps and melt his zipper!!!! If that doesn’t get his attention, nothing will.

I: We’ve received a letter from someone that claims he is a frequent listener to your program and calls himself ”Phil”. He asks, “Why do you usually answer all of your questions by suggesting to listeners that they get a welder and do physical harm to others?”

DrBF: Because you need a permit in most states to use a firearm. Next???

I: One more letter, this one is from Otto Finkbeiner of Soddy-Daisy, Tennessee: My wife just left me, she ran off with her tennis pro boyfriend. How do I get over this?

DrBF: Head over to the tennis club in an unmarked van and a portable generator to provide 220 Volts to run a Millermatic 251 MIG welder. Set up the welder for 200 Amps at 28 VDC (60% duty cycle) and use gas. Flux-cored wire will leave a lot of spatter and will be obvious even at viewing 20 feet away. Weld BOTH doors of his BMW 330ci Convertible shut, at the lower edge away from the hinges, then set the power for 260 Amps at 28 VDC (40% duty cycle) and weld the keyhole for the trunk shut. Time permitting, you can run at max amperage (300 Amps) and spot weld his lugnuts to the aluminum wheels, however, remember that at that high an amperage, you run the risk of melting away part of the wheel or throwing the overload breaker on the welder itself. THEN you can start contemplating revenge….