The Duck Family Rally – Rules and Regulations

It’s that time of year again (no, I DID change my underwear yesterday, thank you). It’s time for the annual Duck Family Rally. This is an event that brings in participants from all over the country (or at least just friends and relatives who are STILL speaking to us after last year’s rally) to engage in a competition, a challenge, and just a complete waste of time.

The Purpose: Your team is sent off on a scavenger hunt where you hop back into your car, you are given a set of instructions and $10, and you take note of your starting time and your odometer reading. Whoever comes back and completes all the steps of the scavenger hunt in the time and distance most closely matched by the rally organizer (MrsDuck) wins.

Rules:

You are penalized for driving too far or logging too many miles. Simple enough. You got LOST.

You are penalized for taking too long, unless you’re really screwed up and you’re somewhere in Ohio. You’re STILL lost.

You are also penalized for logging a shorter distance than the baseline distance set by the rally organizer. It means you didn’t go everywhere we told you to.

You are also penalized for logging a shorter TIME than the baseline duration set by the rally organizer. It means you were SPEEDING!

You are awarded points for performing the rally while in a Halloween costume.

While performing the rally, you will have to answer questions on the directions forms. Don’t worry, these will be read only by the rally officials (MrsDuck and myself), they will NOT be read by anyone else nor sent to the Department of Homeland Security. (Not yet, at least.)

Rally teams must be comprised of at least 3 members, a driver, a navigator, and one to read the directions and answer the questions. However, teams of four or five are encouraged as the navigator usually strangles the driver halfway through the rally.

Rally teams must obey all Michigan traffic laws (see rule #4), Michigan casino gaming rules, state firearms laws, federal banking laws, Superfund site cleanup statutes, FDA controlled-substance regulations, the United Nations charter, and the Prime Directive of the United Federation of Planets….

Each rally team is sent off on the course, ten minutes apart from each other to start, not strictly because if we send off everybody at the same time that they will CHEAT, but that we don’t want to encourage any re-enactments of the movies “Smokey and The Bandit”, “Vanishing Point”, “The Cannonball Rally”, “Gumball”, or “Mother, Jugs, and Speed”.

Bribing rally officials is welcome. Not necessarily successful, mind you, but always welcome. (We take small bills…)

You will NOT need a compass, nor a stopwatch, nor a Global Positioning System. All directions and information to guide you will be in the form of simple commands. As long as you can read English you are okay. If not, then hasta la vista, baby!

For some of you city-slickers, you will notice various life-forms near the course route that stand on four legs and stay put, and those that have four legs and do NOT stay put. The ones that stay put are called COWS. The rest are squirrels, skunks, opossums, and raccoons. COWS will stay put and are not a threat to your car as long as they stay put. If one of the OTHER life-forms happens to stand in the road, just keep applying pressure to your accelerator pedal, grip the steering wheel tightly, and send them to varmint heaven. If a COW is standing in the road, STOP. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Allow the COW to walk off and leave the road. The instructions for dealing with other animals do NOT work for COWS.

Along the course, there may be DEER. DEER are not COWS. DEER are faster than COWS. BUT, DEER are dumber than COWS. DEER will usually decide to change their minds all of a sudden and leap INTO the path of YOUR CAR. Unfortunately, although in this state we have gun season for deer, bow season for deer, and even musket season for deer, we do NOT have CAR season for deer. If you should HIT a DEER, do not worry. The local law enforcement agencies will come and help you with an accident report, and for an extra $50, they will let you take the DEAD DEER home with you…to EAT. Contributing DEAD DEER to the rally officials will earn you extra points.

If you should get lost, you are provided an envelope marked “LOST INSTRUCTIONS” so that you can be re-oriented and get back on course in the rally. You are required at the end of the rally to return the envelope intact. However, opening the envelope will cost you 10 points. Figuring out how to steam open the envelope and fool us will gain you 5 points.

Canadians are encouraged to participate in the rally. However, the exchange rate for rally points is 1 U.S.Rally point = 0.6 Canadian Rally points.

NO ALCOHOL is to be consumed throughout the duration of the rally…by the participants. However, the rally hosts can get bombed silly.

NO FIREARMS are allowed in the rally course. Not even for defense against objects in rules 12 and 13. Nor as an inducement per rule 10.

Rally participants are encouraged to leave their small children with the rally hosts, the hosts have employed baby-sitters, animal trainers, and Secret Service marksmen for your convenience. They will be well-taken care of and will be used as your “damage deposit” while being held by the rally hosts.

Use of cell phones is permitted by rally participants, EXCEPT the driver. Drivers are required to keep their attention on the road and have their hands free to THWACK the navigator silly after a missed turn.

All rally direction answers will be collected by the rally host and fairly evaluated (bribes permitting).

Prizes will be awarded for First, Second, and Third place, but also for “Youngest illegal competitor”, “First team to hit a COW”, “First team to be arrested”, and “Most vehicular damage incurred”.

And to Mr.Ed, for not appearing in this year’s Duck Family Rally, I lost $5 to MrsDuck in a side bet. Thanks. Merry $#*@ Christmas.