Single Dad and Dog Training

MrsDuck has been now averaging going out of town on business about 3 days a week, EVERY week. Even though I can get along fine without the pleasure of MrsDuck's companionship for a few days, the Ducklings and the pets don't.

Duck is quietly reclining on the couch after supper, Ducklings are playing quietly with Beany, the Brainless Wonder Dog.

Spot, The Evil Wonder Cat from Hell: Meee-OWWW!
Duck: Huh?
Spot: MROW! (steps on Duck's chest, plants @$$ in Duck's face) MeOW!
Duck: MMMMMFFFF!!!!!....OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Duck places right hand under Spot, and relocates Spot with an action that they call in football a "spiral")
Spot: MOWFFF!!! (THUD!)

Spot then wanders over to the master bedroom, sits in front of MrsDuck's chest of drawers...and PUKES.

Spot: URRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP!
Duck: Geeez, Spot!
Spot: Mrow?
Beany: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!!!!!SSSSSLURP!!!!! (Beany immediately inhales what Spot just "exhaled".)
Duck: Geeeeeeez, Beany!
Beany: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!....ERF?
Duck: At least I don't have to get the carpet shampoo out... Beany, SIT!...Beany, SIT!!!....Beany, SIT!!!!....BEANY! (CLANK!)...SIT!!!!! Good boy.

Beany is half terrier, half Austrailian Cattle Dog. Which is a good thing most of the time except he keeps herding the Ducklings into corners.

Duck: Okay, that's it. No jump, Beany! No jump! NO jump! NO JUMP!!

We had found Beany at the county animal shelter the day after Christmas, they estimate he's about 9 months old. MrsDuck takes Beany to obedience classes every Saturday, and Beany obeys....MrsDuck only. When a dog does something you don't want it to do, the obedience school trainer says to squirt lemon juice in the dogs face. Fine, except Beany LIKES lemon juice. So then we tried something else...Binaca Breath Spray. It works...sort of:

Duck: NO JUMP!!! <SQUIRT!!!!!>
Beany: OWRF? (Beany backs off and rubs his face on the carpet, it stops him from jumping on me for about a minute)
Duck: Good boy. Now where was I? Huh? No jump, Bean! NO JUMP! NO JUMP! <CLINK>

As I try to squirt Beany again with the small aerosol can of Binaca, but Beany grabs it with his teeth and runs OFF!

The next thing I hear:

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT!!!!

Had it been the little Binaca pump spray, it just would have left a puddle of Binaca on the floor. Instead this was the aerosol. Beany had just PUNCTURED the little can with his teeth!!!

Beany: OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!!!

You woulda thought he had been stung on the nose by a scorpion. Instead, Beany had just given himself "the Mother of all Binaca Blasts" and was rolling on the floor, having received about half a can of peppermint spray.

Oy.

It was time for the Ducklings to go to bed. It would be a busy night. MrsDuck was taking a red-eye from LA back to Detroit. If we were lucky, she'd be back before the Ducklings would get up in the morning. I wasn't so lucky, though.

Duckling1: When's Mommy coming home?
Duck: For the sixteenth time, she'll be home late tonight, maybe early tomorrow.
Duckling2: Watch Dora, COW?

Duckling2, now four years old, wants to watch his favorite "Dora the Explorer" video tape for the 2,187th time in a row on his little TV in his room. Duckling1 (six years old) has her own TV/DVD in her room to watch her favorites. We usually let both of them watch a favorite video before going to sleep.

D1: Will Mommy come up and kiss me?
Duck: If she gets home in time, yes.
D1: What if she doesn't?
Duck: She will, dear, she will.
D1: Otay. Night, Daddy!
D2: COW! Nide-nide, Daddy!
Duck: Night-night.

I head back downstairs, Beany is backed into a corner, terrified. About 3 feet in front of him is the punctured can of Binaca. I pick it up.

Beany: BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!
Duck: Okay, Beany, it's DEAD. Settle down.

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP> It's Duckling1, she just came down the stairs from her bedroom with a dourful look on her face.

D1: Is Mommy home yet?
Duck: No, Mommy won't be home until even after I go to bed.
D1: Are you in bed?
Duck: <I'm standing in the LIVING ROOM separating a mad dog and an empty aerosol can> NO, dear, I'm just busy right now.
D1: Okay.
D2: COW! SWIPER NO SWIPING!

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

I put Beany in his training cage so she'll settle down. I lay down on the couch.

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP>

D1: I need a dwink of water.
Duck: There's a cup in the bathroom.
D1: Oh.

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

I reach for the TV remote and...

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP>

D1: I forgot to take my vitamin.
Duck: You'll be okay tonight, we'll take one tomorrow morning.
D1: Dat's not what Mommy said.
Duck: Oh? What did she say?
D1: She says I'll stop growing if I don't take one.
Duck: Not if we forget just ONE night. Missing one night won't hurt anything. Okay? Now go back to bed.
D1: Okay.

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

I switch to CNN and...

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP>

D1: Is Mommy home yet?
Duck: No, she's not home yet, she won't be home until after you go to sleep.
D1: You mean like Santa?
Duck: No, not like that. She's flying an airplane ALL NIGHT and it'll take her awhile to get home. That's why.
D1: Oh. <sob>I MISS MOMMY!<sob-sob-sob-sob>
Duck: Oh, geeeez.....

I get my lazy butt off the couch, walk over to Duckling1 and give her a big hug:

Duck: She'll be home soon, okay?
D1: Okay <sniff>....

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

Whew! Now back to the couch and....

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP>

It's Duckling2.

D2: POOOOOOP?
Duck: Let me look.

I check inside his diaper, the stench is bad enough to knock the buzzard off a sh*twagon.

Duck: Hoooooo-WEEE, geez Son, next time file an environmental impact statement, wouldya?
D2: COW POOP?
Duck: It's about as bad as cow poop, yeah.
D2: COW? Mommy change diaper?
Duck: No, Mommy not here. Daddy change diaper.
D2: NO COW! Mommy change!

D2 runs through the house, nekkid as a jaybird, slips on the carpet where Spot just puked and Beany just licked up. (The spot on the carpet wasn't THAT dry.)

D2: COW!!!! <THUD!> I FAW DOWN! NOT HURT! COW DO AGAIN?
Duck: No, we're not doing it again. Let me get this DIAPER on you!!!!

After another eight seconds, I replicate the action of hog-tying a calf in a rodeo on Duckling2, but I reach for the duct tape just in case.

D2: COW! AW DONE. TANK OOO!
Duck: Night-night.
D1: Is Mommy home yet?
Duck: NO, Mommy is NOT HOME yet!
D1: Can I get a kiss?
Duck: Huh?
D1: I usually get a hug and kiss from Mommy. A few minutes ago all I got was a hug.
Duck: Huh? Uh..okay.

I give her a hug.

D1: Night-night, Daddy!
Duck: Night-night.

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

I go back and CAREFULLY clean the spot where Spot puked. All better.

<clump-clump-clump-CLUMP>

Duck: WHAT NOW!?!?!
D1: <sob-sob-sob-sob-sob>
Duck: Huh?
D1: I MISS TERI!!!!

Teri, the Terrible Terrier, was our previous dog and had just died last summer. It took D1 awhile then to get over it. But D1 had nothing to think about that night except worrying about Mommy coming home and now feeling sad about her our old dog.

Duck: That's okay. (I give D1 another hug) It's perfectly okay to be sad.
D1: (All of a sudden she smiles.) As long as I'm down here, can I watch TV wid you?
Duck: Uh...no.
D1: Darn.
Duck: Now go to bed and Mommy will be home about the time you get up tomorrow, okay?
D1: OKay.
D2: COW! WATCH DORA AGAIN?
Duck: Uh...no. Dora go night-night.
D2: Okay.

<clump-clump-clump-clump>

Phew! I look at my watch. 10PM??? Geez. Only maybe eight hours until Mommy is home. And all will be right with the world then.

Good night.